Why is my child so bossy?

As a therapist, I get asked a lot for parenting advice and strategies. One of the questions I’m asked sometimes is “why is my child so bossy?”. 

Being bossy is developmentally appropriate for younger children

While assertiveness is a social emotional skill, think of bossiness as its predecessor. The reason it’s so important at this age is because it’s part of a child’s moral development. Between the ages of 2-7, children’s focus on whether they should or should not engage in a behavior is not based on it being “nice or good”, but on whether or not they will be punished for it. For young children, knowing a behavior is not okay and having the self-control to not engage in that behavior are two different things. By the time a child is in first grade (roughly age 6-7), they begin to develop a starch sense of “fairness”. So why is my child so bossy?

If it’s not okay for me, then it’s not okay for you

If a behavior is not okay for me to do, then it’s not okay for you to do either. This is the mindset of young children. Children begin to demand and expect that others follow all the rules too. Children fear punishment for things that other children are doing. This tends to really show up in school settings. For example, if certain kids in class are talking, and they will miss 5 minutes of recess for it, your child who is not talking is rightly concerned about being punished if they are doing nothing wrong. Your child may then be the child shushing all the other kids in the class and getting very angry that others aren’t following expectations. What is “fair” is very important at this age. Although, children at this age will often bend or break rules to benefit themselves in certain situations. They will also frequently try to negotiate themselves out of the punishment or consequences for their behavior.  Again, this is developmentally appropriate. 

Being bossy can be used for good

While no parent likes having a child who is bossy, think of how this behavior can be used to foster assertiveness. As your child develops, you want them to be able to assertively stand up for themselves or others. You also want them to be able to resist peer pressure for inappropriate behaviors. When a child is telling someone else what to do what not to do, they are learning how to communicate their beliefs and values to other children. They are also advocating for themselves by saying “hey, what you do affects me and I’m not okay with that”. If you are the person your child is “bossing” around, see if you can figure out what the underlying need is for your child. Do they need for you to listen to them? Do they need reassurance? Is it a way for them to feel safe? Ask your child what is important to them about having you do the thing they are being “bossy” about.

Conclusion

When dealing with frustrating (developmentally appropriate) behaviors, try to see beyond the behavior to the need. The bossy behavior improves over time because children figure out that other children don’t like being bossed around. Other children will at a certain point not want to play with or be friends with the “bossy” child. Talk to your child about how their being bossy may be affecting how other children view them and work with your child on paying attention to what they themselves are doing.